With a little ingenuity and a little science, you could improve on the design:

You can fraudulently move the planchette around far more smoothly if it had ball-bearings, was made in Britain, and came in a box decorated with lots of swastikas. Fear not! The swastika existed long before the Nazis did. It has a long history, and was popular in the United States at one time as a symbol of good luck. Far more lucky that Tannis root! Different types of these devices were marketed under different names:

Here are a few others:

Now for some real science! A technological advance to be sure. This planchette comes with a very advanced-sounding device:

Yes! This planchette came with its very own Physio-Psychophone. That sounds like a pretty cutting edge, and impressively scientific, device. What is a Physio-Psychopone? This:

Yes…a piece of paper with lots of occultic gibberish written on it. But now we have what is called a “talking board.”

Then along came

Elijah Bond…who in 1891, made the talking board into a Ouija board. The name Ouija is supposed to be the direct result of one of its designers asking the talking board itself…to talk and pick its own name. Ouija, it said. What does that mean? Supposedly…it means “good luck” in Ancient Egyptian. And! Being able to speak fluently in Ancient Egyptian, which no one has done for thousands of years, would clearly be a sign of demon-possession. Good Lord! Maybe it was the Ouija board after all! Father Karras, bring your tape recorder! I’ve finally found proof! Helen Peters claimed that she was present when they sought about to name the new game. She was wearing a locket with a picture of a woman in it, and the name Ouija. The correct reading may have been Ouida, the nom de plume of Maria Louise Ramee. Nom de plume? Le Plume de ma tante! The first design of the board was rather silly:

But the first version actually made omitted the two little guys shaking hands:

You can, of course, put any kind of symbols or nonsense on a Ouija board, but the following is a fairly common version of the game:

The Mystifying Oracle! And the images on the bottom corners of the board remind me of the all-important question to ask the Pocket Fortune Teller…will she? And I’m sure that’s it’s just me, but I’ll bet the guy in the design is slowly pushing the planchette to “yes.” Typical man. And I suppose you can remove the pentagrams from a child’s toy tea-plate found on the schoolyard, put them on a Ouija board, and even add Baphomet for good measure:

Now that’s Diabolical! One hell of a Ouija board!

The Ouija board was always marketed as a game. Yet, the predecessors of the Ouija board were occultic contraptions, although I suspect that except for die-hard kooks, it was merely entertainment.

It seems strange that something capable of allowing Satan, Lucifer, Pazuzu, Aunt Mina, Judy Johnson, or even Judas Iscariot, into the material side of the universe would only cost $1.00. Well, you also have to clip the coupon in the back of the magazine. I bet you could get one cheaper:

Think how many copies of the farcical 1935 book Begone Satan! you could buy for only 95 cents…sounds like a steal.

And as you can see from this advertisement:

It’s not just for guys looking to get laid…it’s fun for the whole family! Assuming, of course, that the figure on the far left is a child and not a homunculus. But it’s not just mystifying and amusing…it’s also scientific…sure. How dangerous could they be if:

Hey Ricky! Did you know that Lucy plays with a Ouija board?

You could also get the more amusing, yet just as scientific, Swami version:

It comes complete with silly gibberish symbols all around it. What? Ah, yes…the zodiac. Same thing. When I was driving through Earling, Iowa..I stopped at a candy store and bought

Does it ever end? But in the 1940s they were able to establish a direct link between the Devil and the Ouija board:

So, there it is! The Devil’s right on the box! She looks a lot like Helen Blazes:

Perhaps she is the transvestite Devil that we met in an earlier essay. And what can one say about Velco?

Velco the Transvestite Mystic Seer? Why does this theme keep popping up?

And what about witches? They’re not all just about magic food, bubbling caldrons, and secret herbs, you know. Here is proof of the connection between witches and Ouija boards:

Lower left corner:

As if Ouija boards couldn’t get any more evil than we know them to be…they can:

Here we have a witch…of course. And her familiar, a silly looking black cat. They are offset by lucky four-leaf clovers. But look at the lower left and lower right…a Jewish Star of David, and a swastika. So, we have the Devil, witches, and now Nazis? Actually, this is pre-Hitler, and I noted earlier that the swastika was once seen as a good luck symbol. Not so much after 1933. Wait! Some of the buffoons in Hitler’s inner circle were big on the occult:

Stop! There’s no need to bring him into the story. Mom…why does Captain Howdy sound like he’s speaking in German?

The most important conclusion to be reached about talking boards, answer boards, Ouija boards, Hindoo Luck Boards…besides the fact that they are boring and silly, is that they have never been anything other than silly toys that utilize tiringly over-done and hokey images of the Devil, witches, and pre-Hitler swastikas. And I while I was in Earling, Iowa last week, I bought one of their super-duper Ouija boards:

What? The spirits want me to do what? Now we’re talking. Yes! Yes! Yes!  Hold on! What do you mean…Not Right Now? Actually, this board is being offered on eBay, and is made by Kheper Games.

And no self-respecting collector of Ouija boards would be without:

An Ozzy Osbourne Ouija board! Now I have to admit that the makers of the Exorcist fooled me. But they fooled you too! We were led to believe that this was Captain Howdy’s Bird Box Scotch Whiskey Ouija board:

That is a pretty ordinary Ouija board. But you see…it’s just an illusion. This is what it really looks like:

Hats off to Darkness-Man who came up with this awesome image combining the Ouija board with Mr. The Face. To put it simply, the Ouija board is simply a toy, although it is rooted in 19th century spiritualism. And most elements of the occult are inconsistent with what the Bible teaches about what is spiritual. And while there have always been Christian groups who take things far too seriously, it doesn’t seem that there was too much fuss about Ouija boards or any other occultic nonsense. Well, on a spiritual level. But there was, of course…the Great Ouija Board Murder!

Oh, yes…and it’s a crazy story. Dorothea Turley won a beauty contest called the American Venus Beauty Pageant. The idea is that the woman who one looked more the statue of Venus de Milo than any of the other contestants. And I find that exceptionally disturbing. Why? This is the statue:

So there is no end to the creepy things in life. A beauty pageant where winners seek to look like a statue of a woman with no arms. And this is Dorothea the Winner:

Dorothea the Mermaid! And as it was, Dorothea was tired of her husband, Ernest Turley. In fact, she had already picked out a handsome cowboy to marry. Al that was left to do was to get rid of Ernest. So as she and their daughter, Mattie, who was almost 15 years old at the time, consulted the Ouija board. Mattie shot her father in the back with a shotgun. She told police that the Ouija board told them that Ernest had to die so Dorothea could start over. Then Mommy Dearest explained to her daughter that:

The Ouija board could not be denied

She also said that her mother told her that if she killed her father, then Mattie couldn’t get in trouble, since the Ouija board had decided it. A second opinion was sought from a deck of cards! And she drew the

Ace of Spades! And the ace of spades meant, to quote Mattie:

Death for Daddy

Police were very diligent about gathering evidence:

Yes! The Diabolical Homicidal Ouija Board.

It is interesting that this story came out 1 year before the publishing of Satan Begone! Was published. And Mattie became:

The Shotgun Slayer! That’s quite a nickname, and guaranteed that no one would mess with her in the reform school to which she was sentenced.

And there was actually another Ouija board murder…this one in 1930:

Amazing! The Ouija board has a bunch of letters on it. So one might think that answers would be somewhat brief. But not if own a special type of Ouija board…the Murderous Seneca Talking Murder Board! I’m designing one right now! So the old squaw couldn’t read English. So the young squaw was kind enough to translate the Oujia board’s message into the Seneca language:

Go to 576 Riley Street. It’s a little house in the rear. It’s a little woman. She is short. Her hair is black with gray. It is bobbed. She has same teeth out- upper teeth. She has a police dog.

I suppose that’s slightly less ridiculous than handing the Old Squaw a picture of the victim with her dog, and writing the address on the back.

Here! Let her have it!

The fact that the young squaw was smitten with the victim’s husband…I’m sure that had nothing to do with the Ouija board’s death sentence on poor Mrs. Marchand.

I’m sure it did…not! How do I know? I asked my Ouija board whether it had any thing to do with the deaths of Ernest Turley or Mrs. Marchand, and:

Well, that was the answer it gave me, though I must admit that I just saw a girl with a shotgun climb over my back fence and jump down into the yard. Hold on! She’s knocking on the door…I’ll be right back.

And a very strange suggestion was made in 1921. Bill Price, writing in The Washington Times, on October 21 and 26, 1921, posed the question:

Is the Ouija Board Making Mental Troubles in Washington?

Whether there is truth in a statement that the ouija board is adding patients to Washington asylums through disturbing influences upon District mentalities, students of mental phenomena will be interested in the fact that the ouija board takes its name from the French word oui (yes) and the German word ja (yes).

That, actually, is not the origin of the name Ouija. The board does not display yes and yes. It displays yes and no. That would be a Ouinein board.

An able group of psychologists regard the ouija as a dangerous deception. Their theory is that the subconscious mind of the operator directs the fingers in such a way as to convey the information hoped for. The operator, they hold, is as innocent of this subconscious process as a sleep-walker is of what he is doing, and naturally puts a supernatural construction on the outcome.

This is an interesting assessment of the dangers of the Ouija board. It’s not spirits…or the Devil…or Aunt Mina…that is lurking behind a piece of wood. No! It has the ability to reach into the subconscious mind, and then…drives you crazy and puts you into an insane asylum. In Washington. And knowing that there’s a Ouija board for everything, I am very close to marketing the

The Joan Crawford I’m-Insane Ouija board. Act now! And I’ll include a free straightjacket! I’m sure they’ll sell like crazy! You’d be nuts to miss out on this new Talking Murder Board! Are you a young squaw in love with your neighbor’s husband? With my new Ouija board, you can implant subconscious impulses in the mind of someone else who will prove to be one Deadly Match-Maker! Be the first to order, and I’ll throw in a Murderous Old Squaw at no cost to you!

I’m sure I’ll make a killing on this idea. And it saddens me to say that this shot is a long way away from Mildred Pierce, one of my favorite movies.

If you’ll have a little patience with me, I’m sure you’ll think it’s worth it.

Many moons ago I lived. Again I come. Patience Worth my name. Wait, I would speak with thee. If thou shalt live, then so shall I. I make my bread at thy hearth. Good friends, let us be merrie. The time for work is past. Let the tabby drowse and blink her wisdom to the firelog.

Very cool. But it gets cooler. These words kicked-off one of the most fascinating Ouija board stories of all time. I say that with the caveat that the Exorcist is NOT a Ouija board story. Well, not in my flawed interpretation.

This lady is Pearl Lenore Curran. In July 1912, she and a friend visited a neighbor. The neighbor had a Ouija board, and while Curran was there, a relative of Curran’s friend, Emily Hutchings, delivered a message through the Ouija board. This prompted Hutchings to get a Ouija board of her own. Her attempts to entice Curran into using the board were initially rebuffed. But she finally gave in, and in 1913, an entity known as Pat-C began communicating with Hutchings and Curran, via the Ouija board. Then on July 8, 1913, an entity named Patience Worth began communicating with Curran. She declared that she had lived in England around the middle of the 1600s. Now, she would speak directly to Curran. The end result of this connection with Patience Worth was amazing…the rather ordinary Peal Curran was transformed into a writer of novels, short stories, and poems. And Patience Worth became the nom de plume of Pearl Curran.

 Pearl described Patience Worth as

probably about thirty years. Her hair was dark red, mahogany, her eyes brown, and large and deep, her mouth firm and set, as though repressing strong feelings

The communication between Curran and Patience Worth continued throughout her life, and Curran reported having visions of her alter-ego.

Over the years, there been have constant debates about whether Patience Worth was real, or whether the whole story is a fake. It’s an exceedingly silly debate to have in the first place. I do not believe in spirits or spirit-entities, but of the many spirit-beings I have encountered, Patience Worth appears to be one of the most sublime. She wasn’t real…but she was very real…at the same time. There can be no doubt that a creative spirit compelled Pearl Curran to write. Creative people often can not explain where the words or music come from. Well, not in terms that we can understand. There is the sense that it is coming from somewhere else other than themselves.

I wrote what I saw

I play colors

It is very easy for such people to attribute the source from which the creative impulses flow to an entity larger than themselves. I can’t “think” of anything to write. But if I sit down at the keyboard, I see visions…I see people…I see emotions. And then writing is actually rather…easy. Write what you see. Easy? Yes…easy. But impossible to replicate. Curran visualized a spirit-being…actually named her. It is well known that highly creative people are also somewhat “disordered” in their minds. For some, that is ultimately their undoing. Planning, outlining…these are the opposite of the flow of visions and colors that mark the truly gifted. Order, control…these can easily stop that flow dead in its tracks, resulting in Creative Death. The truly-gifted don’t really “learn” how do what they do. Perhaps Patience Worth was that flow. Maybe. If so, then she was very real…really real…and not real at the same time. As I said earlier…debating about whether or not psychic or occultic phenomenon, in the case of Pearl Curran, is real or fake, involves asking all the wrong questions. I suppose if you had a Patience Worth of your own, those questions wouldn’t even enter into your mind.

And it is only my ignorant conception of such matters as these that if there is actually any tangible, palpable “proof” that the Ouija board has no inherent malevolence associated with it, it would be the Strange Story of Patience Worth.

Nonetheless, I must admit that Ouija boards can have detrimental impacts on the current state of human-stuffed tiger relations:

And it is clear that, unlike the Seneca Ouija board, the answers can be somewhat enigmatic:

Ok…try again:

Of course, it has been documented that great world leaders have consulted oracular devices for guidance from time to time.

Fake Ouija board! Hey…act now!

Don’t rely on the fake media for answers! Buy one of my super-duper limited-edition Donald Trump Presidential Series Ouija boards. It’s guaranteed to make you great again! And it’s more fun than a stuffed tiger…believe me!

Sorry…too bad! I’m sold out of these. But I thought…

Cheater! Fake tiger!

 Excuse me, sir, it’s rude to interru….

You asked who? Who! CNN? I told you to ask the Ouija board! Hey tiger! You’re fired!

I feel it incumbent to say that for the most part, Christians were inclined to ignore things like Ouija boards, Magic 8-balls, Pocket Fortune Tellers, and other occultic nonsense. That may be due to the fact that many Christians would see no real danger associated with such things. It would take the advent of Superstitious Evangelical Christianity to suddenly see real dangers lurking behind a party game. And it would seem that it was the Exorcist that set off the belief that Ouija boards were a serious danger. But these Pseudo-Christians reacted to more than just the Exorcist and the harmless party game that Regan played with Captain Howdy. Several things came together, including post-Counter Culture hard rock music, wide-spread use of drugs, and the simple fact that young people were not interested in church anymore. Ah, there were yet other ingredients that were poured into the Great Cauldron that sat and simmered until the Great McMartin Explosion occurred. The Great Dualism returned with a vengeance, and now the Superstitious Ones came to believe that there really was a universe inhabited by horrible, The Face-like demons. And they were always trying to break into the material world, with the intention of destroying the young. The legendary Billy Graham was asked about Ouija boards, and this is what he said:
 

But dabbling in the occult not only leads you away from God, but it could also entangle you with spiritual forces that are not from God but Satan. Few people who get involved in the occult plan for this to happen—but it can. The first thing the sorcerers in Ephesus did after they became Christians was to reject their past deeds and burn their magic scrolls (see Acts 19:18-19).
 

Ok. Pat Robertson said:
 

The spirit is causing that little needle — it goes around to letters and spells out words and so you feel like it’s some dead person, but actually it is communicating with demonic spirits, he said. It is a dangerous thing and I strongly urge people not to get involved in it.

Actually, the Bible does forbid speaking with the dead…it’s called necromancy. Apparently, the ban doesn’t apply to gastromancy using wineskins that sound like Whoopee Cushions. I suppose he could have left it at necromancy. But he didn’t:

 

Ouija boards aren’t harmless. Ouija boards are often time-directed by demonic spirits. There are various types of chants. The so-called TM Mantras are actually prayers in Sanskrit to various Hindu Gods who are in turn demons, and you are saying something you don’t understand when in essence you are praying to a devil to come to you.

I was unaware that people playing with a Ouija board actually chant, much less chant transcendental meditation mantras praying to Hindu gods. I suspect that he doesn’t understand what he’s talking about. Of course, I could be wrong about that. Still, I must admit that in Planet of the Spiders, there is a group of kooks living in an old house in Britain who are constantly meditating and chanting in the basement, and they have something interesting on the floor:

This is not, of course, a Ouija board. It is most likely a Meditation Rug:

But this attitude toward the Ouija board only made sense, seeing how all the things that Superstitious Evangelicals didn’t understand, and then feared, were associated with young people. Hey Billy! Hey Pat! What about the Magic 8-Ball? I wonder what chants go with that?